Tex and Zurg: Zurgcide

Disclaimer: This is a parody of Lost THX "Tex" Trailer: A Pixar DVD Boxset and [https://cjaymarch.fandom.com/wiki/Despicable_Me:_Gruicide. Despicable Me: Gruicide].

Fuck Pixar.

Seriously. FUCK. Pixar.

2006; the year where fucking Disney and THX ended their partnership. THX wasn’t associated with fucking Disney after the DVD release of Cars, that fatass red car.

But precisely, this is not what I fucking mean. What I mean is that I am going through an ABSOLUTE tough time right now.

It was October 1st, and I was having lunch. My mum reminded me that she would go to the shop to get some groceries.

I finished my Shit chicken goujons and decided to look in the Lifeline shop to find some rare stuff.

I looked through the DVD shelf, finding many adult DVDs and kids DVDs.

After a good eleven seconds, I found what appeared to be the rarest Pixar DVD Boxset to exist yet.

It was a fucking Ultimate THX Collection Ü, featuring the first seven Pixar films that were THX certified.

I was confused about what that Ü thing was about.

The woman at the counter told me I could get it for free and I was weirded out by this.

As I walked out of the shop, my mum found me and noticed the boxset. She was impressed I found something rare and we got home.

As I got home, I put out the following Pixar films; Toy Story Ü, A Bug’s Life, Toy Story Ü 2, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles and Cars.

This was more confusing, because why did the Toy Story movies only had that Ü thing?

I then noticed a secret DVD that was somehow enclosed inside of the front cover of the boxset.

I took it out and it was a THX trailer starring Pixar characters. The cover depicted of many Pixar characters in grey rectangular boxes in a white background with a title, “The Rare THX Trailer made by Disney Pixar and Ü”.

The DVD was even rated as “Exempt from Classification” for some reason.

I got puzzled there.

“Aren’t Pixar films usually rated G or PG?” I said to myself.

However, I was pretty lucky to find a rare DVD to add in my “Nostalgia Museum”.

I opened up the DVD and placed the disc in my DVD player.

When the DVD started, there was a language selection. The following languages were: English, French, Spanish, Italian, German and Russian.

I pressed “English” because that’s what I usually prefer to watch films in.

It then took me to the DVD Menu. At first, it showed a montage of clips from the first seven Pixar films in release-order and it took me to the actual menu.

The DVD Menu had a shitty design, as it showed a singular character from each of the first seven Pixar films in square boxes, including Tex in his own box and Zurg in there.

Why was Zurg in the same box as Tex?

The menu options were: play, scene selection, set up and bonus features.

I pressed play so I could kick back and enjoy it.

Before the DVD started, it showed, yet again, another warning.

“This trailer was made for the theatrical release of “Saw III” and fuck Ü.”

“Not this SHIT again.” I muttered, facepalming.

The trailer opened on some fuckin' Chinese dancers for like 2 seconds before everything went black and the Pixar logo appeared, but some fuckin' angry man screamed "PIXAR MOTHERFUCKA!" as half the letters in the logo fell off and it just fuckin' read "PIX".

We see a weird-looking Tom Hanks getting hit by a fuckin' car like Brian from Family Guy, then the Tex and Zurg logo appeared.

We open on Zurg fuckin' wiping his windshield with one of his Grubs. The Grubs fuckin' loses control of his bowels and shits down the front of the fuckin' Zurg Car.

"AW, C'MON, HORNET!" Zurg fuckin' BELLOWED with the force of a raging bull. Zurg SMASHED the Hornet into the windshield so FUCKIN' hard that he exploded into a black bloody mess. Zurg then whipped out a fuckin' ENORMOUS fire house and blasted the Zurg Car with such a forceful gust of water that it went sailing straight through his neighbor's fucking house and into their pool, destroying literally everything.

Zurg then walked into his house. His friend, Tex, was on the couch watching the 2017 movie "The Emoji Movie". Zurg fuckin' ripped his TV out of the wall and smashed it all over the floor.

Tex sighed.

"Zurg, stop smashing the TV. Remember what the doctor said about your anger management." Tex said as he pressed a fuckin' button that made a brand new TV come out of the wall so he could continue watching the worst animated fucking film of 2017: "The Emoji Movie".

"FUCK THE DOCTOR!" Zurg screamed.

"But Zurg. You must listen to him. Your blood pressure is too high." said Tex.

"YOU WANT TO SEE A HIGH FUCKING BLOOD PRESSURE, TEX?" Zurg SCREAMED as he took a helium tank from a wardrobe, opened it, and somehow inhaled insane amounts of it. He then started singing Super Idol as he whipped out a fuckin' blood pressure checking device and stabbed it into his fuckin' non-existing nose, causing it to read "your free trial of life has expired", before Zurg attempted to do the Orange Justice dance and, no kidding, fucking died.

What a fucking chad, honestly. Straight up died just to stick it to his fuckin' doctor.

The scene cuts to Andy’s House as seen in Toy Story 2 at night. It then panned into one of the windows into Andy’s room. Just then, the main characters from the first two Toy Story films (Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Hamm, Rex, Mr Potato Head, Slinky Dog, the Aliens, Jessie and Bullseye) walked in.

I had a feeling something similar or worse than the previous scene would happen.

“OK, guys, listen up.” Woody called out, getting everybody’s attention. “It’s time for a Ü call.”

Woody then paced back and forth like a fucking owl, mentioning each toys’ name.

“Buzz?”

"Fuck you Woody" Buzz said.

"THAT'S IT!" Woody yelled as he punched Buzz in the face with pure fury.

Buzz SCREAMED.

“Jessie?”

“Here.” answered Jessie.

“Bullseye?”

Bullseye neighed, getting Woody’s attention.

“Hamm?”

“Yo what's up motherfucka?” Hamm said in black man voice.

“Rex?”

“Here.” said Rex.

“Slinky?”

“Present.” Slinky stated.

“Potato Head?”

“I’m right there, Woody.” Mr Potato Head reminded.

“Aliens?”

“Oooh…” The three aliens said in unison.

“Good. Everybody is here.” Woody said. “Now, guys, there is a crazy robot on the loose tonight. So, since Andy is away for a sleepover, we better stay up all night and check if he tries to attack anyone.”

Just then, two familiar arms peered out of under the bed and grabbed the three aliens.

“Help us!” One of the aliens cried.

“Oh, fuck, no!” Woody exclaimed.

The arms then grabbed the aliens under the bed.

“What just happened?!” Buzz said in shock.

“I’ve gotta see what’s under the bed.” said Jessie, walking towards the bed.

Buzz grabbed Jessie by the arm.

“Don’t, Jessie, there’s something dangerous lurking through the house.” Buzz reminded.

Suddenly, Rex pupils shrank.

"Guys, there's a rubber band in my ass." said Rex.

"OH SHIT, WOODY! PULL REX'S ASS BECAUSE HE HAS A RUBBER BAND!" hollered Buzz.

Woody, left with no other real choice, he tried to pull out the rubber band from Rex's ass.

"GET IT OUT, WOODY!" Rex SHRIEKED.

Woody pulled out the rubber band fom Rex's tiny ass causing Rex to scream.

"At least that's over" said Rex as he pulled a roll of toilet paper out of literally fucking nowhere and began wiping his ass.

“Guys, I have a weird feeling about this.” Mr Potato Head said in a nervous tone.

“Don’t worry, Potato Head. As long as the green guys are OK, we’ll all be safe.” Slinky replied, trying to reassure him.

“I gurantee whoever is in the house has this kind of mileage.” Hamm remarked.

Mr Potato Head then heard what sounded like his wife.

“Sweetheart, let me in Andy’s room.”

“I’m coming, dear. You’ll be safe with us.” Potato Head said, walking to the door.

Once he opened the door, he got pulled away off-screen, screaming, and a familiar figure then flew out of the door; it was Tex.

After that happened, Zurg from "Toy Story 2" BURSTED through the fucking door, while the pictures were crushed into pieces.

"Hello, old sport. It's good to see you again and also I resurrected you." said Tex.

"It's good to have you back, old friend and thank you." said Zurg.

"CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?" SCREAMED ZURG.

"NO, ZURG, WE ARE NOT FUCKING DOING IT AGAIN! I DO NOT LIKE WATCHING YOU DIE!" yelled Tex.

"Ok." said Zurg as he whipped out a ion blaster.

“Hey there, toys, it’s Sexy Texy motherfuckers!” Tex taunted.

Zurg then appeared beside Tex. “Don’t forget about me.”

Rex let out a short scream of terror.

“It’s Ü!” Buzz angrily shouted, pointing to the robot.

“Get out of Andy’s house, Ü bitch!” Woody yelled, too.

“Oh, we’ll see about that, Cowboy bitch.” Tex mocked.

Tex then pressed the button on his chest to activate his jetpack and flew toward Slinky and grabbed him by the tail.

Buzz Lightyear simply started twerking his plastic ass and firing missiles out of in his secret ass slot but Zurg shoot down the missiles.

Slinky fucking screamed as he was being pulled by his lower half. Rex and Hamm were concerned for Slinky so they grabbed him by both of his arms. Woody, Buzz and Jessie decided to join in the tug of war, but Tex was too strong.

This was interrupted by some ACTUAL footage of real life Slinky spring dog hitting into the fucking floor and graphically shattering.

Zurg whipped out a MASSIVE hammer to SMASH Bo Beep.

“Bo! No!” Woody cried.

Tex, laughing evilly, then lifted Slinky, Hamm and Rex into the air and the other three toys let go of them.

Tex then threw the piggy bank, dinosaur and stretchable dog out of Andy’s bedroom window, sending them flying through the air.

Slinky, Rex and Hamm fucking screamed as they soared straight in the air until they landed on the road and got ran over by an incoming truck.

It suddenly showed another fucking footage of a DISGUSTING GRAPHIC version of Slinky, Rex and Hamm getting ran over by a truck and they EXPLODED into thick goo like in the Toy Story 3 Alternate Ending.

“Who else wants to be tortured by Sexy Texy Motherfucka?” Tex asked.

"And who wanna play with Sexy zurg? And also......Ü SHALL NOT PASS!!" Zurg said.

“Nobody hurts our friends BITCH!” Jessie shouted, with realistic aggression.

Jessie jumped onto Bullseye’s back and the duo charged up towards Tex, but Zurg used his Infinity Gauntlet, snapping his finger causing Jessie and Bullseye to disintegrate.

“Jessie!” Buzz shouted in horror.

"Bullseye!" Woody shouted in horror.

“Time for your times to go now, you two bitch!” Zurg asked creepily.

“Buzz, we’ve gotta get out of here!” Woody reminded Buzz.

Buzz and Woody then ran to Andy’s desk to evacuate through the window. As Buzz was about to jump out of the window, he was suddenly grabbed on the waist by the Tex’s arms.

“Woody! Help me!” Buzz cried.

Woody was stunned. “Leave him alone bitch!” He shouted.

Woody grabbed Buzz by his hand while Tex grabbed him by the waist, leading to a tug of war.

Not long after, Woody was snatched on the ankle by the Mismatched Toy Arms from the second film.

They plucked him into the air, swinging him around.

“Woody! NOOOOOO!” Buzz yelled.

Woody began screaming as the mismatched toy arms swung him around the room and finally flung him into an opening portal, leading to the same area from Woody’s Nightmare, also from the second film.

Woody landed on the ground. He heard Tex and Zurg coming. He hid behind the dustbin so they wouldn’t find him.

Tex and Zurg was seen in the shadows and walked around to look for Woody.

“Oh, Cowboy… where the fuck are you?” Tex cooed.

“Don’t worry, We only going to hurt you. Really badly, bitch…” Zurg joined in.

Just then, Woody was grabbed by the head by the mismatched toy arms. He yelled in startlement.

Tex and Zurg had found him.

He yanked Woody out of the mismatched arms’ grip.

“You’re not going to like what I put in that trash can.” Tex said, before letting out a chuckle.

“Wh-what? What the fuck did you put in there?” Woody asked nervously.

Zurg then held him over the dustbin, and it was revealed he put in a pool of blood.

“Adios, Sheriff!” Tex yelled in encouragement.

Woody just laughed again.

"Don't you mean, "Goated help?"

Out of knowhere, the Blue Goat Puppet from Baby Einstein made an apperance, followed by metal music.

"YOU ARE FUCKING SCRAP, FOOLS!" he screamed.

"Do you want to die too?" said Tex.

"No, I only came to take out the TRASH!" he said, as he knocked down a trash can into Tex.

When the trash can was about to hit Tex the trailer abruptly froze and a The Eggs Episode started playing with the title "Counting the beat", but it was just INCREDIBLY low-res footage of the Scramble fucking SHITTING onion rings and yolk on the toilet in some disgusting abandoned space bathroom cover with shit and piss, blood until his fucking spine and skull came shitting out too.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Scramble fucking SCREAMED as his actor terrence scammell screaming like a madman, and his entire nervous system and his fart (when he nervous) bursted out of his ass.

Yo, the FUCK did this have to do with anything?

The trash can hits Tex and the screen went to black.

Just then, it showed a shot of the Laugh Floor in the dark from Monsters, Inc. Sulley and Mike were guarding it for duty in case of any criminals.

They were guarding Boo’s door because they didn’t want to leave her behind.

“Sullivan… Wazowski… I’m here…” Tex’s voice said.

“D-do you hear that, Sulley?” Mike asked in fear.

“Yes, I hear it.” Sulley replied.

Just then, the duo heard a chainsaw starting up.

“Mike, I have a bad feeling about this.” Sulley said.

Just then, Tex dropped down in front of Mike and Sulley, startling them.

“Hey there, Monsters. Why the fuck don’t you scare children anymore?” Tex said sinisterly.

"Because you didn't scare them kids?" Zurg said.

“We don’t scare children anymore because I’ve seen a look on a petrified little girl’s face. That’s why.” Sulley replied.

“You heard what my friend said. Now get the fuck out!” Mike berated.

“You know what? In that case…” Tex said, as he grabbed out a chainsaw from the back of his belt and Zurg pulled out an Ion blaster.

Tex then started up the chainsaw. Sulley and Mike gasped in shock.

“Mike, we gotta hide in Boo’s room!” Sulley told Mike.

The two monsters then ran through Boo’s door and locked it.

“Kitty?” Boo asked.

“There’s no time for kitty, Boo, there’s a fucking psychotic robot trying to kill us!” Sulley exclaimed.

Just then, a chainsaw then poked through Boo’s door.

Boo screamed, Mike fell back in shock and Sulley gasped.

Tex then poked his head through the hole and said, “Here’s Texy!”

“Sulley! What do we do?!” Mike asked.

“I don’t know! There’s no other way to get rid of him.” Sulley responded.

Tex then sawed the rest of Boo’s door down with his chainsaw.

“Hey, Wazowski, what do you look like as a balling ball?” Tex asked evilly.

"FUCK THE DOCTOR!" Zurg Yelled AGAIN.

"Zurg, What I just say, You need to calm down! Your blood pressure is getting hi-" Tex was cut off by Zurg and yelled "NO, FUCK THE DOCTOR BITCH!"

“You do not want to know what I look like as one. In fact, you are a lot worse than Randal, asshole!” Mike berated.

“OK, let’s go bowling with Tex the T-Rex, Motherfucker!” He said.

Tex and Zurg then started up their chainsaw, getting ready to kill Mike.

“Hey! If you fucking kill him, I will call the CDA, bitch!” Sulley angrily shouted.

Tex slowly walked up towards Mike, with the chainsaw still running.

“Please! No! Don’t kill me! I promise I'll start scaring children again! Put that thing away! No! NO! NOOOO!” Mike screamed.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE, BITCH!!!" Sulley roared, which scared Tex, dropping the chainsaw into the floor and destroyed it on Boo's bedroom floor.

"You think that was a scary noise?" Tex asked.

"Well, I sure frightened you." said Sulley, with a smug look on his face.

"I'll show you a FUCKING SCARY NOISE!" hollered Tex.

He opened up his fucking mouth widely and let out both a scream and the deep note with punching, laughing, moaning, screaming out cuss words, shitting, farting, and some black men yelling angrily at the same time.

It was SO fucking LOUD I tried to turn the volume down, but even 1 percent wasn't fucking enough.

Sulley, Boo, Mike and Zurg covered their ears because of how loud it was, trying to block out the sound.

Zurg threw a fucking realistic flashlight at Tex to stop screaming.

"Ow!" Tex said.

"That's it! I'm going to fucking kill Wazowski, Sullivan and the little girl!" Tex shouted,

Tex whipped a RPG to kill Boo, Mike and Sulley but suddenly the CDA arrived at the place. It turned out Mike called them as Tex screamed.

Tex and Zurg escaped as the screen cut to black.

But the trailer wasn’t over yet, it showed a scene of a DISGUSTING fish tank.

The water was green and it looked like someone threw trash in the fish tank. In it, there was Marlin, Nemo and Dory from Finding Nemo.

“Where the fuck is everybody?” Marlin asked?

“Dad, I’m scared.” Said Nemo. “I don’t know where we are.

“This isn’t P. Charlie 42 Wallace Way Sid.” Dory said.

“It’s P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney, Dory.” Marlin corrected.

“Right, right.” She responded.

Just then, Tex and Zurg then jumped in front of the tank, scaring the three fish.

Marlin, Dory and Nemo screamed in horror.

“What’s up, motherfuckers? I’m in the mood for fish and chips."

“You’re not gonna cook us, are you?” asked Marlin.

“Wanna bet?” asked Zurg.

Tex and Zurg then used a small fishing net and picked up the trio with it.

He approached a frying pan that was already boiling. Just then, Tex placed them onto the pan.

Nemo, Marlin and Dory screamed in pain as they were being cooked, while Tex, on the other hand, laughed like crazy. Zurg laughs stupidly.

“I DON’T WANNA BE FISH FOOD, DAD!!” Nemo cried.

“ANYFISH HELP US! WE’RE BEING FUCKING COOKING!!”

Tex just stood laughing when suddenly the "OOOOOO" part from "Kernkraft400 - zombie nation" started playing.

Tex and the fishes (which were still dying) were confused by this, when Oscar from Shark Tale appeared flying abobe the fucking frying pan, T-posing menacingly.

"Haha, more FEAST" Tex said, as he thew a knife into Oscar, but he dodged it easily. Zurg then shot his blaster at him as the music stopped.

Oscar was somehow still alive as he then blasted water through his eyes into the frying pan, exploding it and (somehow) recovering Nemo, Marlin and Dory and making them fly.

“Thanks, Oscar!" said Nemo, happy.

"Hah, you think you'll stop US?" Tex and Zurg said.

Suddenly, the entire shark mob from Shark Tale appeared in front of Tex, which made them escape.

Just then, it cut to a view of Metroville from the Incredibles at night. The Parr family walked in with their Superhero outfits.

“This is just night duty for us, kids. Your mother and I are counting on you.” Bob said.

Suddenly, the family heard evil laughter echoed.

“Wait, Syndrome’s alive?” Helen wondered.

Just then, Tex and Zurg flew in front of them.

“Hello, fuckers. Looking for evil to fight?” Tex asked mockingly.

“Yeah, we are going to give you a big knockout, red robot and purple figure.” Said Bob, preparing to fight him.

Zurg chuckled. “You think I’m not strong enough? Well, what about this?”

Tex then grabbed out both a fucking Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda and a nuclear blaster.

Bob gasped.

“We can’t fight him, he’s too fucking dangerous to fight with!” Helen reminded.

“Let me make a large force field that could protect us.” Violet said.

She then summoned a force field and put it around her and her family.

“Leave this to me, I’ll get ourselves the fuck out of here.” Dash remarked.

He then proceeded to use his superspeed to run very fast.

“Hey! Don’t you run from the fucking T-Man!” Tex shouted. He pressed the button on his chest and proceeded to fly after them.

“Dash, he’s gaining on us!” Bob told Dash.

Dash continued running for his family, while Jack Jack whimpered for a bit.

Zurg couldn’t fly faster; he then pushed his finger into his jetpack button pressing it harder.

“COME ON! LET’S GET FASTER!” Zurg yelled and he run fucking lot faster.

“Almost there, almost there… Violet said, as she and her family were almost out of town.

However, a portal to a Taco Bell 1994 logo icon opened in front of them.

“What the fuck?!” Bob exclaimed.

The Incredibles family then went through the portal and screamed as they fell. They continued screaming until there was a sudden shit explosion that sounded like someone was shitting in a Taco Bell bathroom.

The duo though they got rid of em when suddenly Frozono came out of the portal with the Parr family and explained that he entered the portal from the other side and got the Parr family out there before the explosion could get them.

The fuck? I swear I was gonna lose it at this point.

Then another scene played.

It showed Flik, Dot and Heimlich sleeping. When it zoomed out, it was revealed they were on a motherfucking wooden table, with a lamp being shone on them.

Flik woke up, but was confused by what he was sitting on.

“Where the fuck am I?” Flik asked.

“Heimlich, Dot, wake the fuck up.”

Dot and Heimlich woke the fuck up.

“What the fuck is it, Flik?” Heimlich spoke.

Just then, Tex came in with a magnifying glass. Zurg came in with a gun.

Dot shrieked shortly. “Who are you?” She asked fearfully.

“Well, hi there, little fucking buggies. The name is Tex and this is Zurg.” Tex introduced himself.

"Hello motherfucker bugs." Zurg introduced to Tex.

“Tell us one good reason why you took us here.” Flik demanded.

“I want to give you guys a sunny day. Let’s have fun in the motherfucking sun with the fucking T-Man!” Tex remarked.

"I'm gonna shoot the bugs with the fucking ion blaster!" Zurg shouted.

Tex then held the magnifying glass over the lamp but suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He and Zurg turned around and they saw a Scolipede from Pokemon dressed as Saitama from One Punch Man.

The Scolipede quickly kicked the magnifying glass, launching it at a fucking high distance.

Tex used bug spray and the Scolipede just died.

Or that was Tex though, because when he was turning around he heard Scolipede getting up, and now he looked really pissed. Tex flew away from there.

Just then, it showed a Cars scene.

It began with Lightning McQueen and Mater at the Tractor Pasture. The entire field was empty, except for the two cars who were visiting.

“Isn’t this great, McQueen?” Mater asked. “We’re on field duty.”

“You bet, Mater. You bet.” Lightning replied.

Just then, they heard rustling from a bush.

“What the hell was that?” Lightning asked.

“Is-is it the fucking ghost light?” Asked Mater fearfully.

“I doubt it. It’s gotta be something larger than that.” Lightning said.

The two cars then heard what sounded like a chainsaw.

“Wh-wh-what’s that?” Mater said, about to panic.

The chainsaw sound got louder and louder until the bush got chopped in half, revealing Tex.

“IT’S TIME TO FIX SOME CARS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!” Tex and Zurg both shouted in delight and evil.

Mater screamed, but his scream sounded like his voice actor had lost his SHIT.

Mater drove away screaming, and Tex and Zurg began to run up towards Lightning, which drove off too.

Tex then pressed the button on his chest and activated his jetpack and flew towards the two cars. He swung his chainsaw around, laughing crazily.

As Lightning and Mater were about to evacuate the field, Tex suddenly teleported in front of them. He approached Lightning, about to cut his chainsaw down on him.

Right before his chainsaw was about to cut Lightning, some MASSIVE fuckin' portals opened and EXTREMELY science-fiction-y looking UFOs came flying out.

"OH SHIT! IS THIS THE SHIT THEY HAVE IN AREA 51?" Zurg fuckin' SCREAMED.

When I looked closer, however, I realized the UFOs were being piloted by.....other Zurgs and Texs?

One of the Zurgs has a mohawk, another had a moustache, and yet another Zurg had a fuckin' shitty british mustache hanging out of his non-existing nose on a string.

"WHAT THE FUCK? CLONES?" Zurg screamed as he tried to shoot at the other Zurgs. Zurg weaponry didn't seem to affect the UFOs, however, and they sucked Tex and Zurg into a massive portal.

McQueen and Mater were in shock, but sighed in relief.

Tex and Zurg woke up in what looked like a massive hotel that was fuckin' floating through outer space for some random ass reason.

"OH SHIT, ZURG! WE ARE IN SPACE!" shrieked Tex.

"Calm down, Tex!" said Zurg. "Just use my Infinity Gauntlet and get us out of here."

Tex tried to use the Infinity Gauntlet, but it was gone. It looks like Tex left it.

"Zurg! I can't find the Infinity Gauntlet!" yelled Tex.

Zurg then looked directly into the screen, like he was fucking looking at me, and muttered "shit" in an uncharacteristically super low voice.

Suddenly, a door opened and like six different fuckin' versions of Zurg and Tex appeared.

"Who the fuck are you guys?" asked Tex.

"We are the Tex and Zurg Variance Authority." said one of the other Zurgs. "You are both under arrest for crimes against the multiverse and the sacred THX timeline."

One of the yet other zurgs (or maybe it was an alternate tex, I couldn't really fuckin' tell, began to explain how our universe's Tex and Zurg had disrupted the proper flow of time by travelling across the multiverse, assembling the Infinity Gauntlet, killing Pixar Characters (twice), and fucking disrupting some disturbed alternate Toy Story universe, among other things that were so FUCKING weird I'm not even going to try and explain them. When the FUCK did Tex and Zurg go and do all of that SHIT? I didn't remember any of that in the parts.

Why was this a thing? How was this happening?

Alternate-Tex-Zurg-whoever the fuck (let's just call him "Weird Zurg") went on to explain that Normal Tex and Zurg's attack on the fucking United States Military was the last fucking straw, and now the Tex and Zurg Variance Authority had captured them to stop them from doing any more damage.

"You two can't just fucking do whatever the fuck you want all the fucking time!" Weird Zurg SHRIEKED at Normal Tex and Zurg.

"You're a sorry excuse for a Zurg!" yelled Normal Zurg, which is what I'm calling the main one- y'know, our Zurg, if you will. "A REAL Zurg does whatever the FUCK he wants! You and all the rest of you bullshit Texes and Zurgs are just slaves to the Tex and Zurg Variance Authority!"

Weird Zurg then whipped out a fuckin' energy rod or some shit and said "That's enough FUCKING talking out of you. You will be pruned now."

Weird Zurg and his other Zurgs and Texs then touched Normal Tex and Zurg with the weird energy rod things, causing them to evaporate.

Was this finally over? Did they just kill them?

No it was NOT.

Tex and Zurg then wake up in some fuckin' wasteland. Big motherfuckin' red text appeared on screen that said "Current Location: The End of Time".

"This place looks like shit! Where the FUCK are we, Detroit?" yelled Tex.

"WE'RE NOT IN DETROIT, TEX!" Screamed Zurg. "WE HAVE BEEN STRANDED AT THE END OF TIME!"

"Ü too, huh?" Said a mysterious voice.

Tex and Zurg turned around to come face-to-face with none other than Wo-

What the fuck? Woody?!

I was confused, wasn't Woody supposed to be in his universe?

"Not fucking you again! You were supposed to die, but Mr Shitty Damm Goat was in the fucking way! FUCK YOU, FUCKING SPARKY HANKFUCK!!!" Tex said.

"Who the fuck are you? I never saw you on my entire toy life. Well, that purple cunt yes, but not you" Woody said. "And what do you mean by "supposed to die?"

"The fuck do you mean? Wait... Don't tell me, you are an alternate version?" Zurg asked.

"Yes I am, partner, and call me Tom Pride Hanks, days. That's why these motherfuckers threw me in here. I guess they couldn't get with the times. They said I'm not supposed to call myself "Tom Pride". Not good for the brand, I guess. You'd be amazed what other kinds of shitty rejects we have in here." said Woody (or was it Tom Hanks now)?

At that moment, Robin Fuckin' Andrews walked by, loudly muttered "Fuck RSA", deflatedly kicked his fuckin' Toy Story DVD and hit in fucking wall.

"There has to be a way out." Tex said.

"Way to be out, huh?" said a voice behind them.

Tex, Zurg and Woody (or tom hanks) turned around to face...... Thaddeus Bile from the opening scene of the Monsters, Inc. creepypasta.

"What the FUCK? MR. BILE?!?" yelled Tex and Zurg at the exact same time.

"That's right." Bile said.

"Wait a minute, I saw and met you on Monsters, Inc!" Tex said.

It suddenly cut to an image of Truccus with evil slanted eyes shoving a baseball bat up his ass.

What the fuck? What kind of image is this?

Who the fuck made this image? MantisFuckingGirl?

Tinky Winky then appeared, but instead of saying "Eh Oh!" he had the voice of fuckin' Scarface and his catchphrase was "Eh, FUCK you!"

He was accompanied by some yellow Dispy variant named "Pissy" who kept loudly making weird realistic fucking alien noises and bugging his fuckin' eyes out of his head.

"This is fucking horrid, Zurg! We gotta get out!" Said Tex.

"No, Tex!" Zurg yelled. "This place sucks ass!"

"What's this I hear about suckin' ass?" said a booming voice behind Tex and Zurg as they came face to face with a fuckin' Frat Bro muscular version of Thomas fuck-

Are you fucking serious?

Really?

A fuckin' muscular frat bro version of Thomas the fuckin' tank engine. I wasn't even gonna ask what was up with this version.

"Guys, if suckin' ass is what I have to do to preserve motherfuckin' kingdom motherfuckin' sodar, then sign me the motherfuckin' fuck up!" yelled Thomas as he fuckin' backflipped into the air and landed with the force of a fuckin' whistle valves.

I guess Tex and Zurg were stuck in limbo along with alternate versions of famous characters and people who.....didn't turn out the way they were supposed to.

"This is a fucking shitshow, zurg! We need to get out of here immediately!" yelled Tex.

"But HOW, tex?" said Zurg.

"Guys, what's my catch phrase?" Tom Pride Hanks asked.

"Not now, sheriff boy! Nobody's going to jack off your fuckin' ego." said Thomas.

"No, seriously, I can't fuckin' remember my catchphrase." said Tom Pride Hanks.

"Ugh, Fuck, It's "Shoot for the Ü." Zurg Said.

"How about me?" Thaddeus Bile said.

"That I don't know." Zurg said.

"I Got it!" Tex said. "It's Big Ol’ Bile has become very terrifying and Yup! Big Billy Bile is gonna getcha’, little boy!"

"Oh, Yeah!" Bile said. “Yup! Big Billy Bile is gonna getcha’, little boy!"

"Oh, SHIT! Yeah, that's it!" yelled Tom Pride Hanks.

"SHOOT FOR THE Ü!" Tom fuckin' SCREECHED as a massive fuckin' exploding through the fuckin' sky, tearing open some kind of rift in the air.

"Good shit, Tom Hanks" said Tex.

"Ah, you know what? Just call me woody for now. It's better for the brand. I don't think the viewers at home are quite ready for "Tom Hanks" just yet". said, uh, Woody. "Now, let's get the FUCK out of here. Those bastards tried to take away my memories of my dope-ass catch phrase, and now they're gonna fuckin' pay."

"FUCK YEAH, DUDE! LET'S FUCKIN GO, DUDE. ALRIGHT DUDES, WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA THIS BITCH, DUDE." yelled Thomas as he ejected fuckin' rockets from his engine and started blasting off through the rift.

A second later, he came back through.

"Shit, I almost forgot about you swaggin-ass dude-bros. Jump on my back, for real and shit, yo."

So everyone jumped into Thomas' impossibly massive fuckin' back and they blasted off.

"CHOO CHOO, MOTHA FUCKAAAAAAAAA!" he SCREAMED. A big ass FUCKIN' smoke made out of FUCKIN' FIRE fuckin' FUCKED the fuckin' sky and everything FUCKIN' EXPLODED.

Did they get out?

No they didn't.

When they came out of the portal, Woody fuckin' LURCHED over and vomited fuckin' rainbows with black worms everywhere almost threw fucking DVD Player in the fucking wall.

"I KNEW they used expired fish in my FUCKIN' Poké Bowl. Never eating at THAT fuckin' shithole again. Chinatown in Vancouver is a FUCKIN' joke." Woody said.

Thaddeus Bile then said "DUDE, What the fuck you vomited rainbow, I scare children and eat them in fucking japan!"

"Dudes, the FUCK are you talking about? Poké Bowls are Japanese, dipshit!" yelled Thomas. "Who the FUCK eats Japanese food, anyway? I only eat UNITED KINGDOM, BITCH! BUFFALO WINGS EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, MOTHA FUCKA! WE DEEP FRY EVERYTHING! I'LL DEEP FRY A MOTHAFUCKIN' OREO IN THE NAME OF FUCKING SODAR, BITCH! Maybe you'd like your fuckin' Poké Bowl better if it was DEEP FRIED and SUPER SIZED! WELCOME TO SODAR AND KINGDOM, MOTHA FUCKAAAAAAA!"

What the FUCK was this trailer? Seriously, why was I watching Thomas the fucking tank engine swearing at Woody and Thaddeus Bile about food that didn't even exist in his time and also why does Disney have rights to HIT Entertainment? And why was it in a fucking THX Pixar Trailer?

Suddenly, a fuckin' Cowboy Zurg appeared.

"YEE FUCKIN' HAW, BITCHES!" screamed Cowboy Zurg.

"Who the FUCK are you, BITCH?" screamed Thomas. "I'm gonna liberate your fuckin' head from your shoulders, motha fucka!"

Thomas whipped out a massive fuckin' chainsaw with his robotic hand (it's look like david vlado make it) and attempted to slice Cowboy Zurg's head off, but Cowboy Zurg pulled out a fuckin' whip and yanked the chainsaw out of Thomas robotic hand.

How do trains hold things, anyway?

Tex tried to kill the Cowboy Zurg with a chainsaw but Cowboy zurg whipped a Panzerfaust 3.

"Shit, zurg, we have to do something!" yelled Tex to Normal Zurg.

Normal Zurg then fuckin' vomited a freeze grenade into his hand and threw it at Cowboy Zurg.

That almost make me threw fucking DVD player again.

"I always keep a spare grenade in my intestines." Normal Zurg said proudly as he fuckin' shattered Cowboy Zurg in half.

Then it's shows a shitty corpse of Cowboy Zurg, it's look like 6-Year-old made it with a mspaint.

I fucking vomited.

"Can you mother FFFUCKERS stop throwing shit up?" yelled Thomas, to which Woody responded by smacking him in the back of the fucking head with a massive hammer from deleted Toy Story treats and knocking him the fuck out.

"What the fresh FUCK, Woody?" Zurg yelled.

"EVERYONE STOP FUCKING FIGHTING OURSELVES" shrieked Tex, which catched everyone's attention.

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with y'all, but if we want to get rid of our problems, we have to work together!" he said.

"He's right. I'm sorry, Thomas, I should have acted nicer" said Woody.

"Apologies acepted." said Thomas.

The footage cuts to Slinky fucking Dog about exploding hhgregg.

What the fuck? Why Slinky Dog wanna do that? Why Slinky Dog back where tex threw him at road? Did Woody ressurrect him?

Slinky Dog started twerking his slinky ass at fucking bomb as hhgregg fucking graphic exploding with everyone screaming.

Is this the reason why hhgregg got bankrupt?

Then it went back to THX Pixar Trailer.

"Shut the FUCK up!" screamed Thomas as he woke up and fuckin' smacked Woody in the fuckin' face. Where the FUCK are we, anyway?"

"We're in the Tex and Zurg Variance Authority." said Zurg. "And we have to burn this shit to the fuckin' ground!"

Suddenly, Swedish fucking Chef came SMASHING through the fucking wall in his golden teeth from The Muppets Show Lost Episode. This was the first FUCKING The Muppets Show Lost Episode reference in this bitchass trailer. What was with this shit?

"Oh, fuck! It's the Notorious C.H.E.F!" yelled Woody as Swedish Chef whipped out a fuckin' boombox and began to rap.

It went something like this

LISTEN UP FUCKA COWBOY, YOU CAN SUCK MAH DICK

YOU JUST A POSER DAWG, YOU MAKE A SWEDISH CHEF SICK

YOU AIN’T DOWN WITH THE TICK, YOU FROM DA WRONG NEIGHBORHOOD

I DROP DA BEATS AND BASS LOW AND I’M DOIN’ DEM GOOD

YOU’RE GOIN’ DOWN LIKE O’REILLY, YA HEAR DAT COWBOY

YA RELATED TO AN ALIEN, YA PURPLE SWEATER DODGER

CALL ME LIMP BIZKIT OR VANILLA ICE BUT I’M MORE OF KENDRICK LAMAR

TO LEAVE WORK EARLY I DRIVE A '69 CHEVY CAR

"YOU FUCKING STINK!" Tex YELLED.

Woody then threw his mic at Swedish Chef and fucking exploded, sending stuffing everywhere.

"I guess he couldn't stand the fire" Woody said, as a beat drum played on the background.

Suddenly, 3 versions of Zurgs appeared: Samurai Zurg, Pirate Zurg and... Anime Zurg?

"We are the Zurg Triade, and you are fucked up now!" they said.

"FUCKED YOU ALL WILL BE!" Thomas said, as he rammed into the Zurgs, but it was no use, because Samurai Zurg sliced Thomas with his katana.

"chooo.... chooo... mothafucka...." said Thomas, as he activated a self-destruct function, killing himself and the Zurg Triade.

That was really sad. Zurg, Tex, Thaddeus and Woody bowed their heads as sad music played.

And also, is THIS reasons why Thomas and Friends ended?

"Your sacrifice won't be in vain... said Woody.

"Guys, look, over there!" Thaddeus said as he pointed a huge hole created by the explosion.

They got into the hole, which led to a hidden office, and someone was sitting in a chair in front of the room.

"It's sad that your friend sacrificed himself for nothing" said a strange voice. "He could have stayed where he was, which was the placed he deserved to be in. But he had to be an idiot, just like all of you. Honestly, this is the first time someone reaches this place.

"Who are you?" asked Tex.

The figure stood up and it was no other than... Newt, the character of the movie with the same name that was scrapped by Pixar.

"I believe you never heard of me. I'm Newt, a scrapped and forgotten character by Pixar. Luckly I became the leader of the variants you fought before.... and something more...." he said.

The trailer abruptly froze and a SMG4 Episode started playing with the title "Mario went to school AGAIN" but it was just INCREDIBLY low-res footage of the Mario fucking SHITTING onion rings on the toilet in some disgusting school bathroom until his fucking spine and skull came shitting out too.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Mario fuckin' screamed like a fucking banshee as his entire nervous system burst out of his ass.

Yo, the FUCK did this have to do with anything?

The trailer then cut back to the actual story.

"As I was saying", Newt continued, "I'm Newt, a scrapped and forgotten character by Pixar."

The trailer then fucking froze AGAIN Scramble from The Eggs then appeared again on screen, sang the words "suck my FAT FUCKING COCK BITCH!" and vanished into a cloud of smoke before a fucking Fox News broadcast from 2006 began to play.

What was with the FUCKING interruptions? This was like the most important part of the entire trailer!

I almost lost it when the footage changed to Darth Fucking Tubby from Teletubbies rohan creepypasta ripping his fucking face off as fucking blood everywhere and putting it on a pizza as some awful fucking Bruno Mars impersonator sang in the background.

We then see several severed human asses coming out of a fucking waterslide as an EXTREMELY loud voice screamed "CHRIS PRATT AS MARIO BITCH!"

Someone then yelled "FUCK Chris Pratt!" as the footage change to a fucking Chris Pratt mannequin being hurled off a fucking cliff and smacking some rock climber in the fucking face.

We see Xiibuss in some crack-ass bathroom shitting his ass off.

Sunddenly, Brown Clayface or Shitface came out of fucking bathroom.

(W.I.P)

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